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Holy Cow, I’m Pregnant: An Honest Look at Becoming a Mother

Holy cow, I’m pregnant.

That’s the first thought that flashes through my mind every morning once I come to the realization that I’m wrapped awkward and sweaty around a Boppy pillow (the pregnancy pillow that I have a love/hate relationship with) and am so hungry that I could eat own my foot…if I could reach that far and/or had the energy to actually eat my foot. I’ll eat some waffles instead.

happy meIt’s an interesting and fascinating process this whole pregnancy thing. I suppose women have been experiencing the ups and downs of human germination for millennia now but I wonder if they ever really got used to it and all of the enthralling and hemorrhoidal details that go along with it.

It feels a little bit like my inner recesses have been invaded and settled by a tiny explorer and the new land has now been decreed as baby Wozniak’s territory of which I have no further control…unfortunately my bladder was also taken in the siege and all authority has been forfeited in that region as well. Or maybe I’ve just been having some really weird dreams lately. Whatever is going on in there, I just hope that it packs it in and packs out and doesn’t leave a trace.Although I’m not too hopeful after having heard horrifying stories of forever altered vaginal visage…not sure how that’s shaping up yet, I’ll make sure to keep you posted (but not really).

As a woman that was never 100% sure if childbearing was in the cards, I find pregnancy to be super uber fascinating and a tad bit horrifying… I mean, I’m just going to keep getting bigger and bigger? Oy.  However, I’m also completely aware that what I’m going through right now is a  total miracle and at the end I’ll have an amazing little being to show for it. So I’m doing my best to relax and just enjoy the ride…every heartburn induced detail. I just can’t help but get a little weirded out whenever I receive my weekly pregnancy status update and it tells me that this week my heart has become enlarged in order to pump enough blood to sustain life for me and the baby…is that normal? That doesn’t sound safe. Maybe these weekly updates weren’t such a hot idea after all. I think I need some waffles.

The thing is, I’ve just never really been much of a baby person or child person for that matter really. The easiest way to make me squirm is to head into a Red Robin on Kids Eat Free night. Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, kids are great but for some reason I’m usually quite ready to hand them back over to their parents, wash my hands, recollect my sanity and enjoy a nice quiet evening at home.

I figured this out pretty early in life actually. After reading one too many Babysitters Club books, me and my friend, Angie, decided to create our very own Babysitters Club. Complete with flyers, cold calls, and a top secret office in Angie’s basement, our club came in with a bang and fizzled just as quickly when I realized I was more interested in being in a club than in actually babysitting other people’s children…eew.

Contrasting this aversion to babysitting and animal balloon-filled dining establishments, however, I can also pinpoint certain instances throughout the course of my life where I experienced something I can’t describe other than a deep longing to know the person that I was destined to have the honor of mothering. It’s almost like a knowingness that one of the most significant people in my life was going to be my future child. I can’t really explain it, but the first time I felt it, it sure shocked the hell out of me.

This was about a month ago...the bump is definitely getting bigger.

This was about a month ago…the bump is definitely getting bigger.

I remember it quite vividly actually. I was in college working  part-time in the kids shoe department at the Dillards Department Store in the Greeley Mall. I would have much preferred the women’s department but somehow got stuck sizing stinky little kids feet instead. It was the holidays and a cute little family had just come through my department. In a whirlwind of fuchsia sparkled ballet flats and mini penny classic loafers, the adorable pint sized shoe shoppers left with huge smiles on their faces and big thank you’s happily hand in hand with mom and dad. The little girl in particular was completely respectful, she asked me lots of grown-up questions and seemed to have a bit of an old soul. I thought she was a completely awesome kid and I was actually sad to see her go. I would have loved to keep chatting.

That’s the first time I knew that I wanted that someday. I wanted the craziness, the love, the implicit trust, the little hand in mine, the patient explanations and the deep relationship that only seems to come from a parent-child relationship. Since then I’ve known quite a few kids that have made me feel the same way, namely my nephews and nieces.

However, like any good Libra there have been circumstances since that night in Dillards Department Store that have left me indecisive and wondering if that is really truly what I want in my life….screaming children in elevators, frazzled mothers wandering the grocery store, a Sunday afternoon free to spend however I choose…I tend to go back and forth, but deep down I always knew that I wouldn’t be completely satisfied without it.

I’ll figure it all out someday…

Welp, someday is now and I honestly couldn’t be more excited to meet this little person that will perfectly combine the physical and mental traits of me and my best friend, yet beautifully weave in their own outstanding and unique qualities.

I wonder if I’m going to be good at it, if I’m going to have the patience, the unconditional love, the right answers to all of the questions. The idea of shaping and molding a human being brings up a lot of insecurities. I mean, I don’t even have all of my own shit figured out, let alone becoming responsible for somebody else’s.  Besides, aren’t mothers supposed to politely and succinctly answer all of life’s important questions while whipping up a quick smiley face gluten-free cranberry torte for an after school snack? If so, I might be screwed or maybe I just watched too many episodes of The Donna Reed show while growing up.

Needless to say, a domestic diva I am not, somehow I’ve always been better at making the house messy than I have been at cleaning it up, my crafting skills are practically non-existent and usually result in fingers glued together and my cooking is hit or miss. I could keep going when it comes to how my brain rationalizes how I don’t quite live up to the classic ideals of what motherhood consists of.

But despite the fact that I am not a domestic goddess, I think I’m pretty fabulous when it comes to lots of other awesome things….I’m a positive thinking, always on time, and a walk the dog every day type-of-goddess. I do have lots of other things going for me so even if cold cereal finds its way onto the dinner menu more times than I would like or my holiday centerpieces resemble a peppermint stick explosion, I’m pretty positive I can still be a good mom.

I’ve got the basics covered – a loving and compassionate nature, a big heart and am willing to learn from my mistakes. Not only that but the love, loyalty and fascination that I feel toward this future little person I think will more than make up for my lack of crafting skills. That and I’ve got an amazing person on my side and in the trenches with me and for that I’m grateful. I think my husband and I going to fill in each other’s gaps beautifully.

As my body continues to change and support our growing little person I’m realizing that I am capable of amazing things…more than I ever thought.  My body naturally knows what to do and I’m confident that I’ll follow suit. Pregnancy is proving to be a wild ride but I’m so thankful for the opportunity and excited for what the future holds.

But in the meantime I think I’ll eat some waffles.

6 Tasty Chia Recipes Free Ebook

Eeek, it’s finally happening! After much thought, discussion, indecision, and attempts I think I’m finally ready to give birth…to my very first ebook!

Eww..ok so birthed my not have been the right word. Although my brand new ebook does feel a bit like my baby at this point in time.

Regardless, I am happy to announce that I have published my very first ebook, “6 Tasty Chia Recipes for a Happier, Healthier, and More Vibrant Life”. In my new book I have compiled a number of super tasty and healthy recipes that all have one thing in common….chia of course! But not just any chia, the most potent and nutrient-rich chia on the planet, Mila.

With the help of a few of my uber nutritionally-minded culinary powerhouse collaborators, I have amassed an awesome collection of yummy and healthy chia recipes that you’re going to love. From chia-enriched protein bars to a yummy orange smoothie to raw chocolate chia brownies, these recipes are amazeballs.

Check out my video below to learn more about my new free and fabulous ebook. All you have to do is enter your name and email address on my website or the box below this blog post and I’ll send it over to you signed, sealed and delivered. Easy peasy and full of fiber!

Giving Thanks for Both the Blessings and the Crap Storm


Learning to give thanks for the storms of life…

It was three years ago this Thanksgiving season that I suffered one of the most significant losses that I have ever experienced. November 2011 was when my brother, Matt and his wife, Teresa experienced the loss of their 4 month old baby boy, Axel, to a genetic mitochondrial disease. The sudden on-set condition ended up rooting itself into every single cell in my baby nephew’s body, leaving it incapable of converting food or oxygen into life-sustaining energy.

Honestly, the whole experience is a teary blur at this point in time. I faintly remember tubes and beeping monitors, piles of stuffed animals at the foot of Ax’s bed, faces drained of color, icy cold hands, and long silent drives to and from Children’s Hospital.  Contrastingly, I also remember the love and support of family and friends in the midst of nearly impenetrable sadness.

Interestingly enough the backdrop to this traumatic experience just happened to be my most favorite holiday of the year – Thanksgiving.

I love Thanksgiving and I always have. I mean really? An entire holiday based on the premise of giving thanks, eating and relaxation? Count me in. I’ve always loved the smells, the sounds, the chilly weather and the promise of Christmas around the corner…that and eating so much that it’s perfectly acceptable to lay comatose most of the day…now that’s a pretty primo holiday in my book.

Needless to say Thanksgiving has been forever changed for me. It’s still my favorite holiday…no actually it’s been downgraded to my 3rd favorite Holiday, if I must rank them. The details of this holiday are pretty much the same as they always were – wake up, drink coffee, chat, snack, play, eat, chat, drink coffee, nap, eat, play, snack, sleep, etc. However since that fateful Thanksgiving 3 years ago, the essence has forever changed… interestingly enough in a very valuable way.

Rather than celebrating blessings of abundance and gluttony, I also see Thanksgiving as an opportunity to be thankful, not just for the warm fuzzy aspects of my life of which I have many, but also for the shitty, catastrophic, uncomfortable, life-altering, world-colliding situations that compose the individual texture and hue of each of our lives. Regardless of if it’s pleasant…and lots of times it’s not…this is the stuff that makes our lives the intricately crafted narratives that they are… and truly worth living.

I wrote a blog post shortly after Ax’s death, found here, in which I recounted my struggle to find valuable lessons and takeaways from this horrible situation.

As conveyed in my original post,

“While there are no winners or silver linings when it comes to encountering the death of a young loved one, there are often valuable, even cryptic takeaways that can assist in the recovery process and help to regain perspective.”


….at least that’s what I was looking for.

After much thought, procrastination, internal conflict, and bowls of cereal I was able to find a couple. However, several years later one of the most important lessons that has remained is gratitude even especially in the midst of tragedy.

I’m not grateful that this situation happened. It still absolutely stuns me to the core when I think about it. However, it was a catalyst that continues to help me realize that life is composed of light and dark, good and bad, yin and yang and only when experiencing this contrast and tasting the sour can we appreciate the harmony and enjoy the sweet.

Here’s a quote from my new favorite book, The Desire Map by Danielle Laporte.

“To be whole is to make space for the full range of human emotion.”

Only by truly living and feeling the dark can we make space for and appreciate the light.

sarah at lake

It’s the tough stuff that color our lives with the beauty of living…

It’s these scars on our souls, the big gnarly blisters on our feet and the pockmarks on our skin that really tell our stories and teach us lessons like nothing else can. Like the small dent in my forehead that reminds me to not squeeze that zit next time but to just be patient and it will go away. Or the small scar on my index finger that reminds me to chop garlic with a bit more precision next time, but also in a weird and beautiful way makes my hand different than anybody else’s.

These flaws and war wounds help illustrate our tragedies which often overpower our triumphs when it comes to creating our unique and individual stories. They make us beautiful and define who we are.  They help us remember what we could do better next time and remind us how beautiful things really are once the swelling goes down.

And I think Ax would be happy with the part he played in this profound deduction.

So this Thanksgiving, in the midst of turkey overdose and light family banter, there will be sadness in the fact that a certain little guy won’t be joining us. But there will also be thanks in the fact that I knew him if even for a short time and the indelible mark he and his story had on the masterpiece that is my life.

I’d love to hear from you…Is there a crap storm or pockmark that you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving that has helped to shape your life?


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